My Awetastic Superpower

I’m autistic. I have a specific type of autism often referred to as Asperger’s syndrome or High Functioning Autism (HFA)*. Today, this falls under a single broader medical diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

Growing up

When I was a child (in the 1990s), there was a lot less talk of autism than there is today. It was generally only mentioned regarding kids who struggled intellectually or behaviourally, which possibly added to the stigma around the term. I excelled at school (not to brag!) and never really got into trouble or got bullied, so the possibility was never discussed. I do remember my mum being very dismissive whenever anyone talked about autism, always saying something like ‘all men are on the spectrum’. This was probably because she recognised some traits in me and possibly other members of our family and didn’t want to acknowledge them.

However, as long as I can remember having an awareness of autism, I have definitely related to certain autistic traits. I was content playing by myself for longer than most kids would be – my parents would often wonder where I was and find me working away on some project in my bedroom. For example when I was about 10, I devised a football board game and made a whole stadium out of coloured paper to go with it.

When I was really little, maybe 3 years old, I had a toy hammer and nail set with 4 coloured nails. I assigned each of my family members a colour – I was green, my brother was blue, Mum red and Dad yellow. From then on, years after I even had the nails, we had to have our nail colours for board games or when we had a new set of toothbrushes etc. I still maintain it was a pretty useful system.

In general, I was very quiet and especially shy around people I didn’t really know. Even now, I would describe myself as a creature of habit and a very logical thinker.

What did you learn at school today?

When we talk about education, we tend to be referring to what is taught in lessons. Whether it’s memorising dates or solving equations, we are very conscious of what we are learning. This might require a lot of focus and therefore be quite tiring, especially if you find a subject difficult.

However, there is also a more subconscious lesson about how to interact socially. You might not even realise you’re learning anything as it just comes naturally as part of growing up.

For me, these two educations were the other way around. I found lesson time a breeze but it was break times and lunch times where I had to really pay attention. I would constantly be taking in how other kids interacted and tried my best to act in a way that fit in. I’ve been doing this so well all the way through childhood and into adult life that I’ve very successfully hidden my autism from others, even those that know me well.

All the buzz (words)

I’ve learnt that the behaviour of hiding certain traits in an attempt to fit in socially is what is referred to as ‘masking’ and it’s very common in autistic people. It’s similar to ‘imposter syndrome’, which is another term I’ve learnt in recent years. I’ve tended to roll my eyes when I come across these sort of made-up terms but when I first heard imposter syndrome being described, I instantly recognised it in myself. Especially when I first started working, I would look around at everyone else as if they all knew what they were doing whereas I was just pretending to. If you’re familiar with this feeling then the best way for me to describe how my autism affects me is that it’s like full-time imposter syndrome, especially in social situations.

You can probably imagine how this constant masking is mentally draining. When I’ve done Myers-Briggs tests before at work, unsurprisingly I’ve come out as very much an introvert. But in some situations – those where I’m particularly comfortable with the people and surroundings – I can be one of the most outgoing in a group. A good description I’ve heard of these personality types is that it’s like doing things left or right-handed. If you’re naturally right-handed then it doesn’t take much effort to write with your right hand. However if you try and write with your left hand, you can do it, with enough practice you might even get quite good at it, but it takes much more concentration and mental effort. So I can be an extrovert when I want to be but it really takes it out of me.

Challenging times

I went through a tough time at work last year where essentially I became burnt out. I was working hard, but not super long hours or high-pressured deadlines that you might associate with burn out. I couldn’t pinpoint a particular situation that caused me to feel that way. I did have some delicate inter-personal situations to negotiate, which isn’t uncommon in consultancy. And I had recently taken on managing a team. But I was still delivering what was expected of me and I wasn’t struggling with any part of my job technically. So it came on gradually and almost unnoticed but I was left feeling deflated and mentally exhausted. Intuita were very accommodating and I took some time off to recuperate.

It was during this time that I first consciously acknowledged my autism and started to read up on the subject. One of the first things I read was that it’s common for autistic people to struggle with graduating from university due to the amount of life changes that happen all at once. I personally found this to be one of the most challenging times in my life. I suddenly went from having a close circle of friends with a full schedule of social events and well structured sporting activities, to living back with my parents and having to look for a job with no idea of what I wanted to be doing.

I also learnt that one of the most common struggles autistic people have at work is managing other people. I read that autistic people are often very good at technical jobs and might be promoted due to their performance and therefore put forward for management roles. However the job of line management becomes too challenging. It felt as though the author was writing about me and that’s when things kind of clicked. Not that I’d never thought I was autistic, but I hadn’t realised the extent to which my autism was the root of the things I had struggled with. When I came back to work, it wasn’t a big deal to move my direct reports under someone else and still be a technical lead, which definitely helped a lot. I just hadn’t had the courage to ask for that because I didn’t want it to appear as a weakness.

What’s the diagnosis?

I haven’t been formally diagnosed with autism but that’s just because I haven’t sought one. I’ve considered it but it’s quite an involved process and I don’t personally see any value in getting confirmation of something I’m already aware of. I do however see the potential advantage of getting diagnosed as a child, or if you are unsure if you have autism or a similar condition. Had I been more aware of my autism when I graduated, I may have handled the situation differently and been offered more support from those around me.

I’ve personally found the most useful thing about being vocal about my autism is for other people to better understand me. When I’ve spoken about it to people close to me, it’s often met with a very common reaction. Initial surprise as “you seem so normal”, but then soon understanding “that actually explains quite a lot”.

I can also see a potential downside of getting a diagnosis. It’s impossible to say what my childhood would have been like had I been diagnosed. I’m sure there would have been more support but would I have been treated differently from other children at school? Could that have made things worse? Would I have behaved badly because I thought I had an excuse? And into adult life, I might have made difference decisions if I was considering autism more. Would I have been discouraged from getting married and having kids? Excuse the cliché but I certainly wouldn’t change how things have turned out.

Label making

Apparently I’m extremely difficult to buy presents for but I don’t mind asking for specific things. Last Christmas I got a label maker, which now I think about it is such an autistic present. It’s not exciting but I appreciate the practicality of it and it tells you how I like to have things organised.

But what about the label of autism itself? Some autistic people are happy to be called an ‘autistic person’ and some prefer to be described as ‘a person with autism’ depending on how much or how little they feel autism is part of who they are. Personally, I don’t mind either but I do prefer to say I ‘have autism’ rather than ‘suffer from autism’. I definitely didn’t enjoy the first time I heard it described as a ‘lifelong incurable disorder’. I can understand that technically that’s what it is but ‘incurable’ implies you’d want to cure it if you could and I wouldn’t want to lose my autism now as I do feel that would fundamentally change who I am. It’s also sometimes described as a disability as well as a disorder. I’m sure it genuinely is a disability for some people and it’s important for them to be identified as such. But for me, I’d actually be embarrassed to claim it as a disability.

One term that I first heard relatively recently and now hear quite regularly is ‘neurodiverse’. I really liked the sound of that when I first heard it as we’re so used to talking about diversity that it felt very inclusive. That was until I found out there’s also the word ‘neurotypical’ which just sounds like a fancy way of saying ‘normal’. Neurodiversity also includes ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), which has seen a significant rise in people being diagnosed, especially adults. I’ve also heard more people talk about the cross-over between ADHD and autism. I don’t think I have ADHD, if I do it’s certainly not as prevalent as my autistic traits.

My superpowers

Autism makes me different to most normal neurotypical people. I’ve mentioned how some of those differences give me a disadvantage, especially in social situations. But a quick web search can give you a whole host of positives that can be attributed to autism. I’ve listed the ones below that I’ve found apply to me, although it’s important to note that not all of them will apply to everyone with autism.

  • High attention to detail, especially visually
  • Persistent, determined and hard-working
  • Deep focus and concentration
  • Detail orientated
  • Creative
  • Novel approach to problem solving
  • Perfectionist
  • Fast learner
  • Logical thinker
  • Good at spotting patterns, analytical
  • Have a good memory for facts
  • Perform well in scientific subjects
  • Honest and loyal
  • Dependable and punctual

 
This might explain why I’ve ended up in a career in Data Visualisation – I’m a creative, visual person with attention to detail and a very logical brain. Sometimes being a perfectionist can actually be a hindrance as it doesn’t mean I make things perfect, but that I’m not happy until something is perfect. Which can mean I’m unhappy a lot!

It also makes me pretty good at games and quizzes – I hate to brag but I was under 16s regional Scrabble champion 2 years running. I often surprise people with the random things I remember. For some reason, people are flattered when you remember their birthday but when you know their car’s number plate they think it’s weird.

So there’ll always be things I don’t quite understand that most people do. And things most people don’t understand about me. And that’s fine. You’ll be pleased to hear I don’t intend to change the way I am any time soon.
 
 

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*Some sources use Asperger’s and High Functioning Autism interchangeably, others give them slightly different definitions where only HFA has the symptom of a delay in language skills.